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New Year's Resolution/Transcript
Mallory: Hey Matt… Matt: Hey. Mallory: ...Just returning your hedge clippers. Matt: Oh, thank you. Mallory: What are you up to? Matt: Ï'm just working on some of my New Year's resolutions, actually. Mallory: Oh, I'm impressed, what kind of goals did you make? Matt: Quite a few, but the one I'm working on right now is stealing. Mallory: You used to steal things? Matt: No, no, but I do now. Mallory: Excuse me? Matt: I've been stealing things all day. Here's some guy's wallet, a really nice looking watch, and these ones belong to some poor soul who left then unattended at McDonald's. Mallory: Matt, those look like kids shoes. Matt: Oh, undoubtedly, yes. They were sitting outside the ball pit, so… Mallory: And the wheelchair? Please tell me you didn't steal... Matt: Stolen! This was the easiest one, actually. They could hardly chase me without this baby. Mallory: Oh my, you've got to be kidding me. It's… Matt: Oh, careful, that's the propeller for a cecina airplane. It's important. Mallory: You made a resolution to steal things? That's the worst thing I've ever heard. Matt: Well, at least I'm making goals I can stick to. I also resolved not to eat any more fruits and vegetables. I was doing very well until I was diagnosed with scurvy. Bit into a hamburger and lost three teeth. Mallory: Eugh. But your resolutions aren't making you a better person. You should be trying to improve yourself. Matt: Not everything is about me, okay? Right now, I want to focus on others, and how I can use them to my advantage. Mallory: Okay, well, it just so happens that my New Year's resolution is to do a good deed daily, so today, I'm going to start by returning all of this stuff that you've stolen, including these. Matt: What? No, Mallory! I want to find a rabbit and make it wear these! Mallory: What? No! What's wrong with you?! Matt: It's for science! Mallory: What is wrong with you?! Give it to me! Jason: What is going on here? Matt: I believe I'm being robbed, officer. Mallory: Oh, no! That is a lie! He has stolen all of this stuff in here! He made a New Year's resolution to steal things, including these kids shoes! Jason: Sure he did. Mallory: No, I'm… You've got to believe me. He doesn't even need this wheelchair. Matt: How dare you?! Mallory: Oh no, you are kidding me… just show him you can… I know you can walk. Get out of here! This isn't yours! Matt: Mallory, what are you doing? Mallory! Mallory: You can't ride around in a wheelchair that belongs to somebody else! Show him you can walk! What is wrong with you?! Jason: We got a situation, a hostile is playing with a man… I don't know what she's doing here exactly, but it's not… What are you doing?! Ma'am, stop that! Mallory: Okay officer, sorry. Jason: You will respect my authority. Cuff yourself to the Segway. Mallory: What? Jason: You heard me. Do it. Mallory: Okay… Jason: Sir. Matt: Thank you, officer. Jason: Keep up! Mallory: Oh my gosh. Matt: I should probably lay low for a while. Category:Season 1